I've been feeling a bit stuck lately. I've recently finished sixth year in secondary school and that means I've also just finished the Leaving Cert. Everything in primary and secondary school had basically led up to that period of exams and like many big events there are often lulls afterwards and that's where I am right now. I'm finished with secondary school forever and college is on the horizon, which is a big, completely new experience in itself; but right now I feel like I am in limbo between two stages of life and I can feel a bit lost sometimes.
Leaving school there is this rush of freedom -which is a new concept in my life- and with this freedom there is also all these new responsibilities that we are suddenly supposed to deal with. So with this new found freedom I am also feeling surrounded by pressure to do all these things that happen when you enter the real world I guess, removed from the safe, bubble of naivety that was second level education. Things like get a job, figure out what you want to do in life, learn to drive, save up money etc. I think the main problem with these responsibilities is that we are not fully prepared to do these things or educated in general on the things we need to actually do. Everything in my school life was just 100% focused on learning the curriculum to essentially pass these "really important, life shaping exams". It is an extremely stressful environment and once you finish the exams you expect the stress and problems to go away; but new problems are always found in life. That's life. The game doesn't get easier, it just changes.
Although I can say that in many ways it has gotten better. For example I love having the freedom now to express myself how I wish and choose what I do with a lot more of my time; but I also think that this power of choice as regards my life is a very daunting idea. It scares me that I more or less need to do everything by myself now that will decide where my life goes next. I know that this is just something that happens to everybody and that the choices I make now aren't marked in stone but it doesn't mean that they don't matter either; they will still effect my life in one way or another.
Another thing is that to be honest I've no idea where I want to go on this journey of life in the first place! I'm sure many people can relate to that as I know people don't always know what they want from life. I mean, how can we? with experience comes knowledge and personally I definitely don't have enough experience to be making any life changing decisions for my future right now. It also doesn't help that I am horribly indecisive and can barely decide what lipstick to wear most days, never mind decide what I want from life. Yenno?
Don't get me wrong, I have lots of things that I know I want to do, smaller tasks that in the long run will make me closer to the person I want to be. Things like: practice my art, read more, learn about things I actually have interest in, watch great movies, get in shape, blog, see new places and many more things; but the presence of all of these things I want to do in my mind, along with responsibilities can be overwhelming a lot of the time. As a result of this I end up spending more time worrying about all of these things I should be doing rather than actually doing them, and this accompanied by obstacles like lack of resources such as money etc. can by discouraging and disappointing. I find myself stuck in a time where everything is changing around me, as all my friends and I enter the new world of adulthood, but yet nothing is happening. I don't want to get lost in all of the commotion going on around me. I really want to reach my goals and start living my life how I'd like to live it. After all this is only the beginning to all of the changes that happen in life. There are many more experiences to come, and hopefully with that, knowledge. I think what I really need right now is some inspiration, motivation and to get myself organised.
Any advice on my situation is always appreciated. I'm sure I'm not the only person to feel like this. :) I'm sorry if my ramblings don't make sense, This is just what I've been thinking about lately.
Lots of love,
Rach. <3
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